Opting In: On Women, Work, Motherhood, and Choice

About a month ago, I was thrilled to see that author/feminist Amy Richards would be visiting an excellent nearby independent book store to discuss her latest book, Opting In: Having a Child without Losing Yourself. Unfortunately, I could not make the event but I had every intention of running out to buy the book as soon as I could. Books about women and work/life balance and motherhood and choices are especially appealing when you're living the issues.

I am living the issues.

So of course I was beyond thrilled when Amy Richards herself sent me a copy of her book (THANK YOU, AMY!), and since then I've been reading and digesting and nodding my head vigorously and shaking my fists in the air and, most of all, feeling incredibly grateful to Amy Richards for her remarkable work.

I wish I had this book in high school.

But then again, back when I was in high school in the eighties, professional, educated women weren't "opting out" of the workforce in droves* and willingly abandoning their careers to become financially dependent caregivers to their children. This "opt out" trend (or "revolution" as writer Lisa Belkin curiously termed it) was featured a few years ago in a New York Times Magazine cover story, prompting women like me to get all huffy and authors like Leslie Bennetts (The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much) to write a book cautioning women about the risks of financial dependence and espousing the non-financial benefits of work.

Back when I was in high school, I never doubted that I could do and be anything I wanted. Then, of course, I spent a year as a West Point cadet - which, incidentally, I wrote about here with regard to "feminism" - and, suffice it to say, I finally realized I was a woman, and as such, would have to think very carefully about the choices I made from that point forward.

That's not to say I abandoned the "do anything/be anything" philosophy that was instilled in me as a child. I maintained the belief that I could pursue everything I ever wanted and more - education, career, spouse, kids, happily ever after - simply by choosing the path that was right for me.

I chose, and before long I had the education, career, spouse, and all the makings of happily ever after. I spent a few blissful months at home after my daughter was born, and then went back to a full-time job outside the home. Just as I planned.

What didn't figure into my plan was giving birth to a second child with a potentially devastating medical condition. If you're so inclined, you can read all the high drama I recounted in a trilogy of soggy blog posts, from the shocking Part 1 to the agonizing Part 2 to the happiest of endings (beginnings?) in Part 3. This unexpected course of events spurred by my son's birth radically changed all my "plans" and, as it turns out, the course of my life and career. THANK GOD.

Right now, despite the chaos and hardships that come with "opting in" to multiple jobs both inside and outside the home while trying to be an active parent, a wife, an enthusiastic tennis hack and a generally "balanced" person, I know my choices were right for me.

I also know that I am judged by my choices - as all women are. And sadly, our harshest critics are often other women.

In Opting In: Having a Child without Losing Yourself, Amy Richards does not judge; rather, she explains, reflects, reports, and analyzes. She disarms and engages her readers by laying it all on the table - work, the wheres/whens/hows of procreation, the undeniable influence of our mothers, the hows of "giving birth" and parenting, and division of labor at home. Through the context of history, feminist theory, sociological research, and personal experience, she gives us a lens with which to view ourselves and our most personal of choices.

To me, Amy Richards is like the smartest, most self-aware girlfriend you know - the one whose counsel you seek when it really matters. She never tells you what to do; she simply helps you understand a situation so that you can decide all by yourself what it is that you need to do.

And that is the resounding message of this book: Do what's right for you. Trust your instincts.

Amen, Amy. Amen.

I will be reading and re-reading this book for a long time to come. I urge you to do the same.

Here are a few excerpts I highlighted in my dog-eared, ink-stained book:

I want parents to be inspired to own motherhood and parenting in their own unique way without valuing someone else's experience over their own.

Sadly, working and not working are perceived not as two distinct choices, but rather as a competition about who has made the better choice.

Our priority should be making it possible for women to make choices that don't feel so limiting about if and when to have babies.

Each woman wants different things; thus the feminist goal should be figuring out what you want.

Glibly ridiculing another woman can be anti-woman, but examining the reasons why women feel the need to diminish one another is entirely feminist.

Staying balanced is a great example to give your children; to be consumed with your children at the expense of your own identity ends up punishing both you and them in the end.

The real "trend" isn't women choosing careers or babies, but, as I hope Opting In proves, actual women who feel confident and energized to define for themselves who they want to be.

*supposedly, according to Belkin's article